Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
-- Red Buttons
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you
take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
-- Steve Bluestone
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone
going faster than you is a maniac.
-- George Carlin
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
-- Carol Leifer
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
-- Dave Edison
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery
has just taken place.
-- Johnny Carson
I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were
running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to
stop your headache.
-- Jack Mayberry
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I
figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks they are always
-- Elayne Boosler
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
-- John Mendoza
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that
makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be, but I think there's one
other thing that separates us from animals.
We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
-- Jeff Stilson
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there.
I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't
your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
-- Jerry Seinfeld
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
-- Lily Tomlin
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger
and I realize, Oh my Gosh....I could be eating a slow learner
-- Lynda Montgomery