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Fun Stuff |
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. -- Red Buttons Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. -- Steve Bluestone Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. -- George Carlin I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. -- Carol Leifer I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. -- Dave Edison Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. -- Johnny Carson I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache. -- Jack Mayberry I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks they are always locking three. -- Elayne Boosler Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? -- John Mendoza I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be, but I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners. -- Jeff Stilson Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. -- Jerry Seinfeld I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. -- Lily Tomlin Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my Gosh....I could be eating a slow learner -- Lynda Montgomery |
